If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
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