Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
