R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
