you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
