If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
