Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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