At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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