He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
