At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
