i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
