He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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