My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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