my vag is so smooth its legendary
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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