We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
