I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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