you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Randomize
