thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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