Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
