It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
