then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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