Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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