Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
