I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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