Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
