They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
