After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
