Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
