Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
