I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
