About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
