If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
