I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
