Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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