I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
OPIZZABONMYDICK
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
