a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
