I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Randomize