she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
