She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
