the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
