She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
