paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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