i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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