we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
