Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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