Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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