Old men and throwing up are my life now.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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