im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
