I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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