So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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