bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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