You're earring is so big in my mouth
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize