I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
