I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
