One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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